Greetings and Salutations!

I bet you weren't expecting that kind of a title here now, were you? Of for it to be spelled correctly for that matter. But it is, and hopefully things will change around here now for the better.

For I am sober.

For the first time in about 8 years too, I think. And it's all thanks to Mofo and his decision to send me undercover.

Turns out that the super-secret villainous organization that we thought was being based out of a fake rehab center, was actually not. It was a real rehab center. The real evil organization was across town in an abandoned factory (how trite). I found that out about 2 days into treatment and decided to stick around when I felt that they were truly helping me to identify which personal demons I was trying to drown in alcohol. And they helped me to see that I may be a more valuable member of the team, and society as a whole, by remaining sober and dedicating my life in a much clearer capacity.

So, now I'm going to go back and rectify any and all mistakes I may have caused and ask for forgiveness from all that I have wronged. I'm going to be a while, I'm afraid. But I guess I'll start with those closest to home. In my home, actually.

And I'm also contemplating a new monicker as well. "Liquid Courage" just does not fit any more. I just don't know about any powers that I may have now that I'm not an "alcohol-fueled butt kicking machine" as I was want to call myself in the past. I guess I'll have to rely on my wits (now that I have them back) until I can perform some tests and take the "wait and see" approach.

So wish me luck as I strike out to overcome the evils of the world, and also in my own redemptive struggle. Just as Andrew once told us "Redemption is hard."

And thank you again, Mofo. My dear friend; whether you meant to or not, you have helped to place me back on the tacks to righteousness and valor. Thank you.

Adieu,
Formerly Known as "Liquid Courage"

Damn I'm smooth.

Well, tomorrow I go undercover into a new evil and villianous organization. Mofo and SK talked me into going undercover during the intervention they sat me down in this weekend. I don't know why they wanted me to stop drinking when the place they're sending me is a fake rehab place where they say I'll fit in perfectly. Ooops. I mean, it's not a rehab place downtown. It's umm... it's a gym where they practice demon sacrifices behind two-way glass mirrors. Yeah, something like that. But definitely not a fake rehab place downtown across the street from those new apartments. No way. It's a gym with life-force sucking demons.

So I'll be going into "rehab", dang, I mean to "work out" for a couple of days. So you may not hear much from me. But I may be able to get to a computer to check my email if they let me. So I'll see if I can post. And, maybe I'll be able to relay some information when one of my "cousins" comes to visit me. (Don't tell anyone, but that means one of the others from A.S.S. will come and see me and I can relay important info I've gathered to them.) I just want to see if they make SK dress up like a woman and say he's my cousin Darla from Oklahoma or something.

So wish me luck in my super, secret operation. I'm gonna be smoother than James Bond.

Evilly signed,
Drinky McGhee
(Liquid Courage)

Look out Hollywood, here comes Liquid Courage!!

I always wished I could have had a part in my favorite movie, but it was made before I started superhero-ing. But now maybe I'll get the chance to star in this movie.
http://www.darkhorizons.com/news05/051024a.php

There has got to be a part for an alcohol-fueled, butt kicking machine! And I mean me, not Danny Bonaduce.

So I guess I have to start honing my acting skills. Going super, secret undercover this week will help me. Then, I'm on my way to getting a star on the Walk of Fame outside that Chinese restaurant. Mmmm... sesame chicken.

I think I may be related to these guys.

LC

Courage. Liquid Courage.

That's me. Well, not really. I mean that'll be me in a few days. And not for Halloween, although that is a good idea for a costume.

Yours truly is going undercover. That's right, I'm sneaking into a new criminal organization's super secret headquarters to try and see what kind of badness they're up to. And noone else is qualified to go on this mission!! Suck on that, mister "master of disguise"! Just changing your clothes doesn't make you look like someone else. You're still wearing your stupid mask!

I'll be going in under the evil alias of "Drinky Mcghee". He's an evil, drinking Irishman who thinks he's a leprechaun. Or something like that. I'll get it down before I go and they quiz me.

So, if in a few days you don't hear from me for a while, don't worry. I'll be undercover deep in the heart of evil. Well, umm worry a little bit. But hopefully I can outsmart them long enough to find out what their plans are and get back to A.S.S. headquarters.

Time to go perfect my Irish accent. "Put another shrimp on the barbie!" "They're always after me kibbles n' bits!" Hee hee. This will be fun!

LC

Dear Liquid Courage: Episode II

Earlier I mentioned that if your life was in shambles and you had noone to blame but yourself, I would help give the kind of advice that might help to make it better. Or maybe I'll just make fun of you. Ayways, one special reader took me up on my offer:

This guy who reads my blog is really mean. I'm not the oversensitive type and I appreciate sarcasm as much as anyone, but yesterday he told me my school sucks. This was totally uncalled for, as I am sweet and innocent and did nothing to encourage this nasty behavior. Can you help me please? What should I do?
- Alison

Dear Alison,
May I call you Alison? Dear, Alison. The Interweb is full of lots of mean people. That’s just a fact that you must learn to deal with, unfortunately. This guy (if he is indeed a guy) is probably just lashing out at you and your “sucky” school because of some personal issues. More than likely, he has some trust problems, issues with authority, and an over-exaggerated drinking problem. I would not worry about him.

However, you may want to consider that your school does indeed suck and you are just blind to the fact. But that’s a worst case scenario.

As I said, there are lots of mean people out there, and lots who claim they are really a “Hot, 5’10”, 22 year old, brunette girl who wants to meet you” when in fact they most certainly are not (you stay away from me, Larry from Amarillo, Texas); but there are also lots of really nice people in the Interweb as well. Take yours truly. I am nice. I am fun. I am here to help. So just focus on the good people and forget about the bad people.

And remember, it’s like Ms. Garrett said “You take the good,You take the bad, You take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life. There's a time you gotta go and show You're growin' now, You know about the facts of life. The facts of life. When the world never seems, To be living up to your dreams. And suddenly you're finding out, The facts of life are all about you. All about you. You-u-u-u, A-ll about you. It takes a lot to get em right, But you're learnin the facts of life. Learnin the facts of life. Learnin the facts of life. Learnin the facts of life.”

I rest my case, your Honor.


So remember, if you have a question that only a liquored up, superpowered avenger can answer; and you can't get a hold of Tony Stark, ask me... Liquid Courage. Just drop your question in the comments section during the week and I'll see what I can do to piece your life back together on Friday.

Happy drinking!
LC

Lucky for me this wasn't a pass or fail kind of test.

After I got my powers, I decided to see what all I could actually do after drinking a good deal of alcohol. After all, a superhero is identified by his powers. You never hear “Hey, here comes that guy who has the keen fashion sense and loveable demeanor.” No, it’s usually “Hey, look! Here comes that guy who can turn into solid steel.” Or “That’s the guy who ripped the side off my ice cream truck so he could get a Fudgesickle!”

So I proceeded to get really hammered and do various tests. I enlisted the help of my then roommate to take notes on what happened so that I could remember what I could, and more importantly as you’ll see, could NOT do. These are his notes from the first set of testing we did:

Test #1: Heat Vision- squinted at the wall for 5 minutes. No lasers or anything. Farted a couple of times and looked like a retard. May have some sort of nerve gas that’s released from his butt though.

Test #2: Flight- I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in all my life. He was bound and determined to fly, the drunk bastard. Jumped off the roof 3 times before I decided to stop him.

• First time- straight down and a bounce.
• Second time- flapped his arms on the way down. Bounced.
• Third time- Hesitated until I shoved him off just to watch him fall again. Bounced twice. I think he may be invulnerable.

Test #3: Invulnerability- Whacked him in the face with a bat. Seemed like a good idea at the time. He’d already fallen off the roof 3 times. No bones broken. Profuse vomiting and slurred cursing though. Wanted me to run him over with my car, but decided against it. Not gonna risk it if Shithead can do more damage to my car than Rick James at a cocaine buffet.

Test #4: Underwater breathing- Shoved him in the complex pool. Waited a couple of minutes. Not a lot of movement down there so I got a couple of guys to help me drag him out. Stomped on his chest until he spewed water. Not gonna do CPR on him.

Test #5: Strength: This was fun!

• 6 beers: lifted me like I was a Cabbage Patch Kid and tossed me into the air like an anorexic cheerleader. Not trying it again 'cause he almost didn't catch me.
• 12 beers: lifted neighbor's SUV like it was a toy (did this funny thing where he spun it around like pizza dough). Dropped the SUV on it’s front end and we ran. NOTE: there is absolutely no super speed. In fact, slower than usual.
• 18 beers: uprooted oak tree out back and I think he moved the apartment building a foot to the left.
• 24 beers: Turned him loose in junkyard. Made short work of 2 old buses, used one as a light-sabre. Wrestled an imaginary alligator named "Sid".
• Out of beer for the time, will continue Strength Test later.

Test #6: Mental Powers- obvious from the start this wasn’t gonna be one. Couldn’t hardly communicate normally; mostly a lot of pointing, laughing and farting really. Did I mention the possible nerve gas?

Test #7: Stretching- nope. Held a beer just far enough away from him so he couldn’t reach it. Gave it to him after he threatened to rip off my arms. Proven earlier he could do it.

Test #8: Freeze Breath- vomited after several deep breaths and huffing and puffing.

Test # 9: Increased Agility- not so much. Can jump a couple of stories up and around 50 yards away or so. Not in a straight line though. Hand-eye coordination lacking too. Hit him in the face w/ basketball about 75 times. Fun at first, but got bored with it around 40. Kept going for the hell of it.

Test # 10: Heightened Senses- can’t hear worth a shit. Vision normal for a plastered guy. Can smell food from 5 miles away though. Don't know if "Super eating" is a power, but put away 7 pizzas like they were Tic Tacs.

Test # 11: Super pissing- no test for this. Just noticed that he seemed to piss for around 5 minutes at a time. Useful if fighting fires.


So that was our first round of testing. We did another round the next weekend. I'll try to find his notes so I can show you what he wrote. But I haven't talked to him very much since the whole "I bet I can control fire" thing and I lit his bed on fire.

LC

Um, Liquid Courage, it's better to say that you're "powered up" and not "friggin' hammered", OK?

Sometimes you have to be creative when you talk with the media. They tend to show up right after you’ve just handed out a fresh butt whoopin to a villain. Or when you just got one.

But they’re always there to shove a camera or microphone in your face and “get a statement.” Just between you and me, the media doesn’t consider me vomiting as giving a statement; no matter how much SK tells them that’s our official statement.

The Reverend always tells us that “Any PR is good PR.” Mofo says that’s bullshit. “Just look at what happened to the Reverend and then to us. Does that look like good PR to you?”

So I’ve been told to watch what I say, or at least to put some thought into what I say before I say it. Most times I’m just told not to say anything at all. Which hurts me a little. But the rest of the team always has good ways of putting things, especially when it comes to me or anyone else on the team. Like they always say that I’m “government sponsored” instead of “on work release.” Or that we had some “unfortunate, collateral damage” instead of “that shit we accidentally blew up.” And my personal favorite is the time when The Slut got caught going down on Lord Nefarious, and Mofo said that she had knocked him out and was trying a new CPR technique on him. I kept asking her to give me CPR after that. :)

So remember: when faced with the media, run. Or find the nearest "official spokeman for the group." Do not tell the reporter that she's "freakin' hot" and ask her if she wants to "go and do it in the news van." It rarely works, so don't bother.

LC

I wish someone would spray me with the hose from a beer truck...

So I was watching TV last night and doing my usual flipping of the channels, when I landed on wrestling. WWE wrestling to be exact. I used to watch this stuff all the time. Hell it’s how I got half of my fighting moves. That flying forearm smash? Chris Jericho. The powerbomb? Bradshaw the Acolyte. Anyways, I was about to change the channel because I stopped watching wrestling a while back when it became too predictable, over the top and just plain annoying. And I was about to go back to watching my National Geographic special on “superhuman powers” (which were so unbelievably fake), when I heard someone mention my favorite wrestler of all time.

I know who you’re thinking. It’s pretty obvious that “The Model” Rick Martel would be my favorite. But he’s not. It’s not even “The Man’s Man” William Regal. My favorite is actually Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold was someone I could look up to when he was wrestling. Drinking beer and kicking butt. Those were 2 things I liked to do as well. I always wanted to be friends with Stone Cold, and I even wrote him a letter. But I never got a response back from him. I guess it got lost in the mail or something. How could he not want to hang out with someone who liked to drink some beers, some tequila, some whiskey, eat some fajitas, drink some more beers, some margaritas and some more beers; all before going in to work to “whoop some ass”? Oh well, maybe someday our paths will cross and we can whoop some evil ass together. Like taking on Triple H and Lord Chronos the Timebender in a tag match. And The Slut could be our valet. I’ve heard The Reverend say she’s basically an escort, so I figure she’d be a natural to walk us to the ring.

For now I’ll have to settle for watching Stone Cold battle that SOB Vince McMahon, and asking myself whenever I have a problem, “What would Stone Cold do?” It’s usually the same thing I’d do: drink some beers and whoop some butt!

LC

Dear Liquid Courage...

Hello!

I thought of a great idea to help me with community service. I mean, I have to do community service and I asked the judge if I could do this. He said "Sure. Fine. Whatever. Just get out." So I have the green light to help not just the local community, but the Intranet community!

When you have a love problem, who can you talk to? Me! When you have work or co-worker problems, who can give you advice? ME! When you have a substance abuse problem, who can you rely on? Probably NOT me, but I'll give it a shot.

That's right, my intranet friends; I will be starting a weekly advice column to help do some community service. Just leave your questions in the comments section during the week, and I will gather them up and try to answer as many as I can on Fridays (supervillian activity allowing). So don't be afraid to ask me how to fix your broken, herpes-ridden life; I'm here to help. It's what I do. :)

LC

It's hard to be creative in the face of danger.

I tried coming up with a battle cry to make my foes tremble with fear when they knew I was about to engage them in mortal combat, or at least a pretty good backyard brawl. I just didn’t realize how hard it was to come up with something different and intimidating. So I kept trying them out after one of our team meetings. Everyone was nice enough to help me out with their constructive criticism. I think this is how it went (Sponsor's note: I heard that it was.):
Liquid Courage: “It’s clobberin’ time!”
Shit Kicker: “Um, that one’s taken, man.”

LC: “Up, up and away!”
Masked Mofo: “You’re shittin’ me, right? Now you’re just ripping off Superman. AND you can’t even fly.”
The Reverend: “That we know of.”
Mofo: “Can you fly?”
SK: “I’ve seen him fall kinda slow, but I don’t think he can fly.”

LC: “Spoon!”
Rev: “………..Obscure, but taken.”

LC: “Boobies!”
Mofo: “Jesus Christ.”
Rev: “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”
Mofo: “Aw shove it, padre.”
The Slut: “I kinda like it.”
Mofo: “Don’t encourage him.”

LC: “Yaaaarrrrrr!”
Pretty Boy Slim: “A fucking pirate?”
Mofo: “This is a complete waste of time. I have better things to do.”
SK: “Yeah, like making me an Oreo Blizzard at Dairy Queen.”
Mofo: “That’s it. I’m outta here. I’ll see you assholes later.”
Slut: “I think you should go with ‘Boobies’.”
PBS: “Yeah, you can’t sound any dumber than usual, and it’ll probably confuse the shit out of everyone long enough for us to get the drop on ‘em. I say go with “Boobies”.
Rev: “At least we’ll get a laugh out of it.”

So for now, evil shall tremble in their colorful (and very flamboyant in some cases) unitards and wet themselves whenever they hear the dreaded battle cry “Boobies!”

LC

Sometimes people are nice.

I was passed out on the corner last night after finishing one of those Wet Willie’s “Call a Cab”s and when I woke up, I had a cup full of change and dollar bills. I think people knew who I was and decided to help fight crime in their own ways, by donating to the cause.

I get thanked a lot too. Just last week some guy told me : "Well, fuck! Thanks a lot. Now I get to rebuild this damned brick wall all over again. Thanks a lot you freakin' drunk." I'm glad I could help him. He seemed like he was dissatisfied with his previous wall. I can't blame him, it didn't hold up well when that dumpster I threw at Dr. Chronos the Timebender hit it. I like to imagine that nice man whistling a merry tune as he builds it again brick by brick. :)

It's good to see that average, non-super citizens are trying to stand up for themselves and help each other by helping us. They care about the gooderment of Mankind (not Mick Foley), and the appreciate us helping them all the time too. It's like Mofo always says: "It's always good to help the common peon. Lord knows those retards can't help themselves."

I'm gonna go and ponder how we can ALL help improve the world and then meditate for a while.
(Sponsor's note: By that, I think he means drink and pass out.)

LC

Take me drunk Occifer, I'm home.

Getting to the scene of a crime in a timely manner is crucial. It can be the difference between foiling an evil fiend's kidnapping of a Nobel winning scientist, or having to step over body parts and puddles of liquefied bankteller and trying not to piss off the CSI guys. So when you can get there in a hurry, it's always good.

If you can fly, run faster than the speed of light, have your own plane/kick-ass car, or your own rocket pack/boots; you're pretty much golden. But when you can only run short distances at a medium speed without throwing up and passing out, you kind of need a little help in the transportation area. Mofo likes to call it "logistics and intermodal transportation." Mofo is a dick and likes to sound smarter than he really is. He still gives me shit for beating him at Jeopardy 2 months ago.

Anyways, I rumble along down the street because I have no license. For some reason the police (and for the record I have nothing against them) have seen fit to take my license away. One too many DUIs and accidents to and from the scenes of crimes. I may have caused a few extra ones here and there. I asked when I could get it back and they just laughed at me and said: "We ought to lock you the fuck up again. But every time we do, you just break out and we find you in the commissary passed out. Not to mention all the damage you do along the way there. You go through the walls not the doors. We can't afford to lock you up anymore, so we think it's best to just let you do your thing without being any more of a 'menace to society' than you already are!"

So, you're probably thinkin' "Why doesn't tall, dark and handsome Liquid Courage just carpool with some of his other teammates?" That's a good question, my favorite intranet people. I have tried. Let's see how those attempts went:
Shit Kicker- won't let me ride in his new tank-truck thingy ever since I called it the "Shitmobile".

Mofo- has a motorcycle. He's way too homophobic to let another dude ride behind him, or The Slut either after the last time she got behind him and he had his guard down.

The Slut- doesn't have a car. But she's always riding shotgun with someone and wanting to play the "road head" game. I don't know that one, but apparently everyone always wants to play it with her; so I wanna learn to play too.

The Reverend- no car. Always says God will provide a way for him to stop the sinners. SK usually just tells him to shut up and get in the "Shitmobile".

Pretty Boy Slim- I haven't even seen him in weeks. I think he's off fighting Evil in another city right now. But I did hear he got a nice, new Honda Accord. I wonder if it still smells new or if it smells like those "skanks" Mofo says he always has with him. I carry donuts and Twinkies sometimes, but I don't know what a "skank" is. Have to try one of those.

For now I'm hoofing it or hanging on the roof of a nice citizen's car. I'm looking into getting a bus pass, but you can never count on them getting there quick. Except that one I heard about that could never go below 50 miles an hour. That one would be fun to ride. So, if anyone is willing to give me a ride in order to fight for Justice, Good Stuff and whatever that third one is; just let me know we'll work something out.

Ooop! We just got a call, so I gotta leave now if I wanna get there in time.

LC

Another day, another dollar...

Well, that saying isn't really true in my case. In most of the Association's cases actually. I think the only one of us who gets paid as a result of any super-heroic work is Shit Kicker. And that's just because he was sued for wrongful death, but the case was dismissed. And he then sued the people who sued him beacuse of "character defication" or something. He just kept saying how those people were shitting all over him. So he was awarded a small settlement that he gets every month. The Reverend keeps wanting SK to donate to the Church, but SK says he'd rather give to the Human Fund, whatever that is.

Alls I know is that I need some money. Having to pay for all your "power ups" by yourself can be expensive. No one hardly wants to buy drinks anymore and I can't remember the last time drinks were "on the house." Whenever I ask someone to spot me for the night, I get "Fuck you and your fucking huge tolerence." Fine. The next time you need a tank lifted off your "alter boy", you can just lift it yourself.

Maybe I should learn from Rusty Wallace and the rest of those guys who drive race cars for a living. Mofo compares them to The Slut all the time: "Those fuckers drive like The Slut. Always goin' in circles and crashing all over the goddamned place. Not to mention how they whore themselves out to sponsors." I didn't know they had sponsors. I just thought they really liked Tide, Viagra and other stuff. That's why I like Rusty. I think he and I would be good friends, as much as he likes Miller Light. So maybe I should look into getting sponsors.

Can you see me running around with patches all over my t-shirt and jeans? Miller Light, Jim Beam, Red Bull, Domino's, Subway, Aflac, and Gilbert & Montlick: Attorneys at Law? I'd look pretty funny.

Maybe I should think about raising some money or something. I could have a telethon! Like Jerry Lewis has for all his kids! Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll be one of Jerry's kids!

I gotta go make some calls. Talk to you later...

LC

Hey!!

Hello and welcome to my new blog! I'm your friendly neighborhood superhero, Liquid Courage; and this is all about me. And my friends/co-workers/fellow superheroes. And our evil-doing villains.

You'll have to forgive me for any misspelled words or grammar problems, I'm not too good at that stuff. Especially when I'm "on the job." The Reverend says that just because I'm drinking, it doesn't mean I'm "on the job." But I like to be prepared just like the Girl Scouts. Mmmmm... Girl Scout cookies.

OK, gotta go now. I have a cookie crisis, but I will be back later just like The Slut's case of "gone her e-ya" or whatever that is.

LC