Lucky for me this wasn't a pass or fail kind of test.

After I got my powers, I decided to see what all I could actually do after drinking a good deal of alcohol. After all, a superhero is identified by his powers. You never hear “Hey, here comes that guy who has the keen fashion sense and loveable demeanor.” No, it’s usually “Hey, look! Here comes that guy who can turn into solid steel.” Or “That’s the guy who ripped the side off my ice cream truck so he could get a Fudgesickle!”

So I proceeded to get really hammered and do various tests. I enlisted the help of my then roommate to take notes on what happened so that I could remember what I could, and more importantly as you’ll see, could NOT do. These are his notes from the first set of testing we did:

Test #1: Heat Vision- squinted at the wall for 5 minutes. No lasers or anything. Farted a couple of times and looked like a retard. May have some sort of nerve gas that’s released from his butt though.

Test #2: Flight- I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in all my life. He was bound and determined to fly, the drunk bastard. Jumped off the roof 3 times before I decided to stop him.

• First time- straight down and a bounce.
• Second time- flapped his arms on the way down. Bounced.
• Third time- Hesitated until I shoved him off just to watch him fall again. Bounced twice. I think he may be invulnerable.

Test #3: Invulnerability- Whacked him in the face with a bat. Seemed like a good idea at the time. He’d already fallen off the roof 3 times. No bones broken. Profuse vomiting and slurred cursing though. Wanted me to run him over with my car, but decided against it. Not gonna risk it if Shithead can do more damage to my car than Rick James at a cocaine buffet.

Test #4: Underwater breathing- Shoved him in the complex pool. Waited a couple of minutes. Not a lot of movement down there so I got a couple of guys to help me drag him out. Stomped on his chest until he spewed water. Not gonna do CPR on him.

Test #5: Strength: This was fun!

• 6 beers: lifted me like I was a Cabbage Patch Kid and tossed me into the air like an anorexic cheerleader. Not trying it again 'cause he almost didn't catch me.
• 12 beers: lifted neighbor's SUV like it was a toy (did this funny thing where he spun it around like pizza dough). Dropped the SUV on it’s front end and we ran. NOTE: there is absolutely no super speed. In fact, slower than usual.
• 18 beers: uprooted oak tree out back and I think he moved the apartment building a foot to the left.
• 24 beers: Turned him loose in junkyard. Made short work of 2 old buses, used one as a light-sabre. Wrestled an imaginary alligator named "Sid".
• Out of beer for the time, will continue Strength Test later.

Test #6: Mental Powers- obvious from the start this wasn’t gonna be one. Couldn’t hardly communicate normally; mostly a lot of pointing, laughing and farting really. Did I mention the possible nerve gas?

Test #7: Stretching- nope. Held a beer just far enough away from him so he couldn’t reach it. Gave it to him after he threatened to rip off my arms. Proven earlier he could do it.

Test #8: Freeze Breath- vomited after several deep breaths and huffing and puffing.

Test # 9: Increased Agility- not so much. Can jump a couple of stories up and around 50 yards away or so. Not in a straight line though. Hand-eye coordination lacking too. Hit him in the face w/ basketball about 75 times. Fun at first, but got bored with it around 40. Kept going for the hell of it.

Test # 10: Heightened Senses- can’t hear worth a shit. Vision normal for a plastered guy. Can smell food from 5 miles away though. Don't know if "Super eating" is a power, but put away 7 pizzas like they were Tic Tacs.

Test # 11: Super pissing- no test for this. Just noticed that he seemed to piss for around 5 minutes at a time. Useful if fighting fires.


So that was our first round of testing. We did another round the next weekend. I'll try to find his notes so I can show you what he wrote. But I haven't talked to him very much since the whole "I bet I can control fire" thing and I lit his bed on fire.

LC