Take me drunk Occifer, I'm home.

Getting to the scene of a crime in a timely manner is crucial. It can be the difference between foiling an evil fiend's kidnapping of a Nobel winning scientist, or having to step over body parts and puddles of liquefied bankteller and trying not to piss off the CSI guys. So when you can get there in a hurry, it's always good.

If you can fly, run faster than the speed of light, have your own plane/kick-ass car, or your own rocket pack/boots; you're pretty much golden. But when you can only run short distances at a medium speed without throwing up and passing out, you kind of need a little help in the transportation area. Mofo likes to call it "logistics and intermodal transportation." Mofo is a dick and likes to sound smarter than he really is. He still gives me shit for beating him at Jeopardy 2 months ago.

Anyways, I rumble along down the street because I have no license. For some reason the police (and for the record I have nothing against them) have seen fit to take my license away. One too many DUIs and accidents to and from the scenes of crimes. I may have caused a few extra ones here and there. I asked when I could get it back and they just laughed at me and said: "We ought to lock you the fuck up again. But every time we do, you just break out and we find you in the commissary passed out. Not to mention all the damage you do along the way there. You go through the walls not the doors. We can't afford to lock you up anymore, so we think it's best to just let you do your thing without being any more of a 'menace to society' than you already are!"

So, you're probably thinkin' "Why doesn't tall, dark and handsome Liquid Courage just carpool with some of his other teammates?" That's a good question, my favorite intranet people. I have tried. Let's see how those attempts went:
Shit Kicker- won't let me ride in his new tank-truck thingy ever since I called it the "Shitmobile".

Mofo- has a motorcycle. He's way too homophobic to let another dude ride behind him, or The Slut either after the last time she got behind him and he had his guard down.

The Slut- doesn't have a car. But she's always riding shotgun with someone and wanting to play the "road head" game. I don't know that one, but apparently everyone always wants to play it with her; so I wanna learn to play too.

The Reverend- no car. Always says God will provide a way for him to stop the sinners. SK usually just tells him to shut up and get in the "Shitmobile".

Pretty Boy Slim- I haven't even seen him in weeks. I think he's off fighting Evil in another city right now. But I did hear he got a nice, new Honda Accord. I wonder if it still smells new or if it smells like those "skanks" Mofo says he always has with him. I carry donuts and Twinkies sometimes, but I don't know what a "skank" is. Have to try one of those.

For now I'm hoofing it or hanging on the roof of a nice citizen's car. I'm looking into getting a bus pass, but you can never count on them getting there quick. Except that one I heard about that could never go below 50 miles an hour. That one would be fun to ride. So, if anyone is willing to give me a ride in order to fight for Justice, Good Stuff and whatever that third one is; just let me know we'll work something out.

Ooop! We just got a call, so I gotta leave now if I wanna get there in time.

LC