Round n round you go. Where you stop, I don’t care.

Ran into that lame-o baddie, Vertigone (or as I call him “Spin-a-roonie”), today. He really hates it when I come busting into whatever evilry he’s doin’. Mostly ‘cause his powers don’t work on me. You know, on account of me not always walkin right and being all that coordinateded in the first place.

I was out making a deposit at the bank, the real bank not the bank Mofo always goes to, ‘cause it’s pay day; and there he was making a withdraw of moneys that wasn’t his. Get it? See how I said he was robbing it but I said “making a withdraw”? Never mind. Anyhoo, he was using his stupid ass, gadget thingy on everyone in the bank; and was yelling at my favorite tell her, Suzie (she’s cute and smells like vanilla).

Spin-a-roonie heard the bell tinkle (hee hee… tinkle) when I came in and turned his gadget thing on me. Or tried to, anyways. Soon as he realized it was me, he just started cussing. I seem to be getting that a lot lately. I just walked over to him and smacked that stupid gadgety-thing right out of his hands, but before I could do anything to him, Suzie whacked him in the back of the noggin with her big ol’ name plate that says “Suzie” on it. Easy cheesy.

So she knocked him out and got the credit, I got to break some techno-crap, the moneys were saved, I made my deposit, and a good time was had by alls. Well, ‘cept for Verti-goon. Heh. That was a pretty good one: Verti-goon. AND, after I made my deposit (which took freakin forever), I got a free lollipop!

Lc

Ooooh…awkward.

Goin into a restaurant and being helped by someone you know is usually cool. Like when Mofo used to work at Dairy Queen. I’d go in every now and then and end up getting free Blizzard and chicken fingers ‘cause he’d try to run me out of the DQ so I’d “stop making such a damned scene and embarrassing me”. I miss Mofo working at DQ and me getting free stuff. That old one next door to the new one did just burn down though, so I lost a bunch of memories on that one. I always kinda thought Mofo might’a done it, on account of him still holding a grudge against them for firing his ass like Vince McMahon does. He says he quit, but I’ve seen his pink slip. It actually was pink.

But it’s one thing to go in a place and see someone you know and might get free food from. It’s a hole different thing to go in all hungry and stuff, only to run into someone who doesn’t like you anymore (due totally to something that was so not your fault really); and then they just start throwing stuff at you and cussing you out in front of Ronald McDonald and everybody.

Apparently, Mofo’s not the only one who carries a grudge in this town. Who was the person who greeted me with “How may I help you, you sorry son of a motherless whore, who stole my life right out from under me, not to mention ruining every carefully laid plan I had for this God-forsaken town, oh! And making me lose my home, my cars, my collection of rare John Tesh imported cds, and making me so miserable I am no longer able to maintain an erection?!?!??”

It was the Mayor. I mean the ex-Mayor.

Yeah, so umm…. Awkward.

I’m pretty sure he got fired from there too. And again, so totally not my fault. I just walked in to get 2 number 3s, a hot fudge Sunday, Caesar side salad, and a Diet Coke. But no! I got run outta there after being assaulted with food and paper cups and stuff. I didn’t even get to order! AND, I’m thinkin’ about trying to get them to pay for the dry cleaning of my outfit, cause of all the stains.

I just hope he doesn’t get hired at IHOP, or Mofo won’t ever take me there again. Speakin of IHOP…

LC

I’ll take the Physical Challenge, Mark!

Sooooo… apparently I’ve been taking tests and passing them without even knowing it. Mofo says that for the past couple years we’ve been having to go and get re-certifiable every year to keep on being all legalized superheroes. I totally thought that Mofo was rounding up the team to take us to auditions for one of my all-time favorite TV shows of all time: Double Dare!!!

I don’t know if I’m mad or not really. On the one hand, I’m relieved that we haven’t been busting our humps only to not make it onto Double Dare hosted by Mark Summers. But on the other foot, goddammit I’ve been busting my hump to make it onto Double Dare hosted by Mark freakin’ Summers!!

I don't get to look at this pretty face all day...

Only this one.

I guess this really kinda explains the crappy parting gifts that we always got when we left (I just thought they gave us personalized membership cards to Blockbuster that had our pictures on it), why no one would ever tell me if we got to meet Mark Summers during the tryouts, and why we had to shell out $75 bucks just to try out for the show. I gotta admit though, I’d almost pay to go through that obstacle course on its own. That one’s fun, but they never have enough cars to throw and there’s waay too many cones to not knock over.

Huh. Thinkin about it now, I’m not really mad. Cause now I know that Mofo’s not screwing us out of a Double Dare appearance by tripping over that one tire EVERY FREAKING YEAR. Seriously, you’d think he’d get past it one of these times. I could’ve sworn that he was throwing the physical challenge, but I guess it turns out that he’s just friggin clumsy and a set of alternating, non-moving Goodyear tires on the ground is his weakness.

LC

Monkeying Around 2: Monkeying Around Harder

Mofo exaggerated a little. Ok, Mofo exaggerated a LOT! Monkeys are not like a million times stronger than humans. Well, maybe regular-type peoples like Mofo. But not me.

I got to go back to the Zoo with Mofo yesterday (he’s still cleaning up poop and making kids cry), and I decided to test Mofo’s little theory about super monkey strength.

I waltzed into Taffy’s cage and went to go rustle her up. Heh. Rustle. I talked like a cowboy. Anyways, I went to go rustle her up, but apparently she was waiting for me. I heard this loud yelling in the tree and when I lookeded up, all I saws was Taffy flying down on top of me. Next thing I know, we’re rolling around on the ground with dirt and rocks flying everywhere. I managed to get up and back away. “You got me that time, Taffy! But this time won’t be so easy cheesy!” I told her.

Before I could even laugh at “easy cheesy” (hee hee), Taffy was jumpin at me again. This time I caught her and put her in a bear hug. Which reminded me, taht I still had an appointment with Mr. Bear about riding him. Back to the story. I had Taffy in a bear hug and was all like “Oh see? You’re not so tough. You just want to be hugged!” My brain started itchin again and then something whacked me in the back of the noggin. I mean it didn’t hurt or nuthin, but still, that’s not cool to get hit in the back of the head.

I dropped Taffy and went to see who was being a dick and hit me in the head. Mofo wasn’t there like I expected. In facts, noone was. Taffy then went and gave me one of those Ric Flair-type low blows from behind. That shit HURT! So monkeys aren’t a million times stronger than peoples, but they sure can hit you in the junk harder.

While I layed there on the ground holdin my boys, Taffy was flippin out yelling and jumpin and flingin poop all over. I was so totally over it at that point. I got up, grabbed Taffy and punched her right in the monkey face.

Once again I’m not allowed back in the Zoo for a while. Knocking out monkeys, busting holes in big cages, and riding bears around is apparently not the kind of fun that visitors are allowed to have at the Zoo any more. This zoo sucks. On the plus side, they said Mofo didn’t have to work at the Zoo for free anymore. I wonder if that means he’ll have more free time to take me to Sea World now. Dolphins are funny.

LC

Knock knock. Who’s there?

Not who I was expecting, that’s who. Which was Mitch the pizza delivery guy that was sposed to bring me my pizzas I ordered 37 minutes ago (which meens it’s half off!). No it wasn’t good old Mitch (tardy bastard). It was Lacey, the Mayor’s, I mean Ex-Mayor’s, secretary.

I don’t know what the hell she was doing there at the headquarters. I asked her if she was delivering pizzas now. She said something like “Would I be delivering pizzas in an outfit like this?” and opend up her coat to show some lingerie. Whoa. Did I spell that right? Cool. Anyways, I was all like “Oh. No, I guess not. So you’re a hooker then? ‘cause I’m not allowed to have hookers over here anymore after that last time. Well last 2 times, but one of those was totally Mofo’s fault.”

She just looked at me and turned around and stormed off.

She didn’t even leave any pizzas or nothing. AND, I had to wait another 15 minutes before Mitch showed up with the pizzas that I had ordered. He did comp me on the 12 pack that I asked him to pick up on the way though, on account of me being such a loyal customer. And something about not destroying his car.

So I guess everything worked out or evened out or something, but it just had a surprise visit from Lacey. That chick is weird, man. Weird with a capital E.

LC

Holdin' it down

Where the heck is everybody? It’s just me hangin out at the ol’ head-q until Mofo gets back. He said that against his better judgement and some new insurance policies, that he needed me to hold down the fort until he can get back from patrol and looking for everyone. And by everyone, I mean the guys. And the Slut. Basically he’s out looking for A.S.S. Heh heh heheh. That’s sounds dirty. “Mofo’s out looking for ASS.” “What kind of ass, LC?” “Why any kinda ass he can get. Kinda like The Slut!” Hehehheh.

Anyhoo. I’m holdin down the fort by actually closing the door (unlike some people who aren’t here) and watching the tube. Also by drinking the milk before it expires tomorrow. And since I’m doin them that favor of not wasting milk, I have to have cookies to go with it. You can’t have milk without cookies. It’s a law or something I heard. And I’m not one to break the laws. Normally.

So I’m just “chillaxin” like the kids say. Waitin’ for Mofo to get back. Wish he’d hurry up. It’s kinda boring here. I’m outta beer, there’s noone to play Xbox with, Bongo’s off doing God knows what, and I’m running out of ways to entertain myself that don’t involve fire or building something with furniture.

I guess it takes Mofo a while when he’s out looking for ASS. Hehehehheheheh

LC

Banana in the back of the coconut

Monkeys are fun. Especially when you get them all riled up. Although there’s one thing that they never showed on Aminal Planet: Monkeys can move stuff with their monkey brains. Yeah, I know. Cool. But not as cool as you’d think.

Mofo let me go to the Zoo with him to meet his new pal Taffy that he has to help all the time now after he tried to dine n dash at the swanky restaurant. When we went into the holdin area, she came flyin out of her little cave yelling and a beatin her chest. It was funny. So I did the same thing. She just stopped and looked at me funny.

Every time Mofo would turn around to do something like scoop up poop, my head would start itchin. Not like when you can scratch your head to make it stop ‘cause I tried, but this was up under my hair and I couldn’t get to it. Kinda like somebody was tickling my brains. After a little while it stopped. Which was good cause Mofo started to give me a headache from the yelling he was doing. Not at me, but at Taffy.

We were there for a little while before I found out about the whole monkey brain power deal. I brought some of the bananas from the store with me and I decided to give her one, ‘cause hey, monkeys like bananas. So I tossed it to her, but it didn’t get there. It stopped mid way there and just floated there. Then it came flying right back at me. Thanks to my cat-like reflexes, I dodgeded it. Unfortunately, it hit Mofo in the back of the head. Guess who got blamed for that one.

So see what I meen about monkeys having brain powers not being all that cool? Chucking fruit at Mofo is fun and all, but I can do that at home. So I’m not super-duper impressed. But on the way home Mofo did say something about monkeys being like a million times stronger than people. I’ll have to take that up with Taffy the next time I see her…

LC

Monkey-ing around

Finally!!

I finally get to go to the zoo again. That jerkwater ex-roommate Ted was supposed to go and take me to the Zoo here in town. But he up and dissappeared. Huh. Did we ever find Ted?

Irregardlessly, Mofo said he'd take me to the Zoo! He's lucky enuf to work with some monkey named Taffy every day, or as he says: 8 fucking million hours.

I guess me and Mofo are on the up and up again. What does up and up mean anyways? Isn't that what Superman says when he runs off? Whatever.

his only simulation was that I leave Bongo at home. Or somewhere. Just not with us. He really got creeped out after he read my letter to him and said Bongo learned to speak. Oh well, more fun for me!

I can't wait! I'm gonna play with the monkey, ride a bear, box a kangaroo, eat some peanuts and cotton candy and hotdogs and nachos, and swim with sharks, and kick a elephant in the junk.

It's gonna rule!

Lc

I'm gonna ride ya, Mr. Bear!

Letter to a friend, or ex-friend, or guy I know, or something

Dear Mofo,
How are you? I am ok. I just wanted to send you a letter to say “hey” and see how you were going. So…how’s it going? Really? That’s nice. Oh, really? I hadn’t heard that. That’s funny. Are you gonna eat that? How’s the old gang doing, I mean, how good are you leading them n stuff? Wow. That’s kinda what I expected. Anyhoo, it was good talking, I mean, writing to you. Have fun with you guys’s crime busting and adventureing. Gimme a call if you guys need a super-strong guy to help with stuff.

LC

PS
Bongo says “Hello Mofo.” Seriously. He learned to talk. He says “hello” and “Mofo”. It’s cute. And kinda creepy when he just walks around saying “Mofo” But still, he says “hey”.