Hello. I’m the Masked Mofo and you suck!

Heh. I got the best idea for a Halloween costume. I found some of Mofo’s old outfits and I’m gonna go as the Masked Mofo!

I got a black t-shirt, jacket, pants, hat and that awesome green mask he used to wear. The only trouble is, is that the mask is the only thing that fits me. The others are a bit small. But I think that makes it even funnier!

Oh, man. I can’t wait to go out trick or treating and to the Halloween parties tomorrow! I may even do a little crime fightin on bee half of Mofo. That way he gets a little more credit in that department. It’s the least I could do. Well, that’s really the most I could do.

It’s gonna be so cool when Mofo shows up to the party (he always goes as himself) and he sees an identical Mofo staring back at him. He’s gonna be all like “Well, now. Isn’t this a fortunate turn of events.” That or something like “Holy crap! Clones! Or pod people!! Run for your life or the pod people will get you!”

This is gonna rule so much!

Lc

Gonna get sued for being a hero (again)

Goddamnit! I really freakin’ hate yuppies!

So I was out at the Orange Julio stand (yeah, it’s a cheap knockoff of Orange Julius), just minding my own businesses and waiting in line to order a frozen chocolate-covered orange on a stick, otherwise know as a “Julio Bomb”. I was just standin there waiting and thinking about how I could replace Mofo’s old cookie jar, when I heard a lady all screaming about some runaway truck.

I turn around and sure enough, there’s a truck with no driver just a barreling its way down the street right at a crowd of yuppies standing in front of the new Starbucks. Those yuppies, being the yuppies that they are, were too stuck up and snooty to bother noticing what was goin on and didn’t bother to move at all.

I had a choice to make: stay in line and get my Julio Bomb, or save those damned yuppies and lose my spot and have to start all over again. That may have been the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. What? I really really wanted my Julio Bomb.

But I did the hero thing and ran over to the Starbucks just in time to slam into the truck as it was just about to redecorate the building with yuppies. It was pretty damned cool if I do say so myself. I shoulder blocked it out of the way of those polo wearing zombies, who didn’t even bother to thank me. Unfortunately, I sent it right into the right side of Starbucks with their computer lab in it.

The next thing I know, I’m being attacked by all the Satrbucks peoples and then by the yuppies ‘cause they’re mad that they can’t get coffee ‘cause the Satrbucks people are busy yellin at me!

A few minutes later after telling everybody to go screw themselves and that I shoulda let the truck hit them, I was back in line for Orange Julio’s. After starting at the back of the line (again!), I finally get to the front of the line and place my order. And they were out of Julio Bombs. Apparently one of the yuppies heard me mention it and came over and got the last one.

I. Really. Hate. Yuppies.

And I still haven’t figured out what to do about Mofo’s cookie jar.

LC

So... I guess no more handball inside…

So The Reverend and I were watchin’ TV the other day and there was absolutely nothing on. I mean nothing. The Reverend was even bored with yelling at all the Jesus channels. So we decided we needed a little exercise and sportsguyship.

Handball it was.

So we moved all the furniture into the meeting room (well I moved, Rev just pointed and told me where to put stuff) and drew some squares on the wall with my newly acquired crayons (shoulda taken ‘em with ya, PI). And let the games begin.

You know, for a scrawny little guy, The Rev is surprisingly powerful. Not to mention quick, agile, sneaky, shifty, tricky, cheaty and a few other things that I’ll leave out cause I think there’s kids that read this.

Anyhoo, we were at the last point of the first match and I needed one more point to win. Well the courage was a-flowin’, I got a little excited and I um, accidentally sent that little rubber ball through the wall and into Mofo’s room. A quick “D’oh!” from me and a “Ooooooh…” from The Rev later, and he went and checked after we heard something that sounded like a plate breaking.

At first we thought it was one of Mofo’s Wizard of Oz collectible plates that he has the whole series of. But Rev came tearin’ through the livin room, down the stairs and out the door before I could even ask him what it was. So I had to go Batman it myself.

It wasn’t the commemerative plates. It was Mofo’s old cookie jar that was filled with dirt and given to him by Poppa Slappy. The one I see him talking to sometimes when he doesn’t think anybody’s around.

And it was in itty bitty pieces with the dirt all over the place.

Now I knew why the Rev took off like a candy thief bein’ chased by SK’s little brother. And seeing as how I apparently won the game due to forfit, I needed to do the same. I had to find a way to fix this. But I needed some brain fuel first.

To be continueded…

LC

SK “Can’t Hold Back”

Now I’m not one to go around telling people about heroes weaknesses an stuff, but this is kinda funny. And it’s not a real weakness like kryptonite or bein’ outta the water for too long, so this doesn’t really count as exposing any secrets or anything.

The next time you run into SK on the street, or any where for that matters, start singing “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money. I guarantee you’ll laugh your butts off. Every time I sing that song, SK stops what he’s doing and starts singing along. It’s a bonus when he has his fudgepacker with him, ‘cause he uses it a microphone.

“I can stop SK. Can you?”

I know what you guys are all thinking, that’s it’s just when he’s doin dishes or polishing his weapons. It’s not. I tried out a little hypothalamus of my own division: Will SK stop in the middle of a bad guy beat down to rock out to Eddie Money?

Yes. Yes he will.

It was the damnedest and funniest thing I’ve seen since those freaky-ass monkey-dogs. There’s big ol’, mean ol’ SK in the middle of severely punishing some guy who illegally parked when I started in with the “Take Me Home Tonight”. He stopped midswing and reared back and started bellowing out the rest of the song.

I thought for a seconds that “Oh shit. This guys gonna get away and SK’s gonna be pissed.” But turns out that the guy was so scared and fascinated by SK, that he just laid there staring up at him with his eyes as big as Mofo’s man-nipples. That was bad for him, ‘cause as soon as SK finished the second chorus, he finished the beatdown with some new vigor and an actual smile on his face.

I wonder if he knows what he’s doing when he’s doing it. Or if it’s one of those post-hippopotamus suggestibles. I’m gonna try making him really mad and wait until he takes a swing, then I’ll start the song. When he starts in, I’ll just leave the room and wait for him to come to again. Maybe he’ll think I can teleport or somethin’.

This is gonna be fun! Ooh! I wonder if it works with “2 Tickets to Paradise”…

LC

Legal-ease

My legal troubles are all behind me now. All of ‘em.

After several boring interviews with people in the City Hall; mostly about me workin’ for the ex-Mayor and some about some disturbing the peaces and another couple about various DUI, public indecency and damage to City property; but after all those, they cleared me of all wrong doings.

They had slacked off on the questioning about me workin with the old Mayor for a while, but started up again after he was found dead a week or so ago. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys, the ex Mayor is dead. Some shop owner was kickin bums outta the alley behind his place when he kicked this guy and the guy fell over. They said there was a huge hole in his chest and his insides were all gone. Cool. I mean, eww.

Anyhoo, they started bringin me in to ask if I did it or knew who did, and I was all like “Hey I liked the guy. He’s the one who said he was gonna destroy me. Can I get a donut too?” They were all like “Well, this really doesn’t fit his style. And he’s supposed to be one of the good guys. He has done more good than harm. Barely. Give him a damn doughnut to shut him up.”

On my way out I reminded the Police Capitan that I did get his cat outta that tree a few weeks back, without slingshotting it a couple hundred yards I might add, and asked him if that could help make a few other “oopsies” go away. He said that’s the only time I get to use the “Mr. Tinkles” card (Mr. Tinkles? Ha ha), and that he’d make it happen.

So I’m currently the only one of us A.S.S.es to have a squeaky-clean record. It’s pretty sweet to be able to hold that over their heads.

Now if you guys’ll excuse me, I’m all outta beer and I need to borrow Mofo’s car so I can go get some more and keep on celebratin’.

Laters,

Lc

Dinner and a show!

Mofo and I were out on patrols the other day/night (I forgot what that time is called in-between day and night), and we so totally mopped up the sidewalk with some ninjas.

I guess Mofo’s still bein perused by that Mr. Showbiz guy that used to clean up all Mofo’s clothes when they smelled bad and stuff. I just usually wait long enough and then all of a sudden I wake up in the tub with the shower running and then there’s all my clothes laying in a pile in the living room all clean. I don’t know if I get drunk and do laundry myself or what, but I’m gonna go ahead and rule out the “clean clothes Fairy” theory I had before. I just hasn’t panned out like I thought. Plus I’m tired of waiting around my dirty clothes at night with a net.

Anyhoo, we were out getting some of that sushi stuff from that Kyoto Express place across town; when on our way out, Mofo bumped into this little guy in all black. I think Mofo was about to compliment the guy on his choice of style, but then all of a sudden got pissed off. It took me a seconds to notice that the guy was a freakin ninja. Now normally, I hear people yell out “Holy shit! Ninjas!” (especially that big, black cop. He freaks the heck out.) when they see ninjas. Mofo’s been so jaded with the guys lately, that he was all like “*sigh* Fuckin’ ninjas…” and then punched the little guy right in the face.

Then it seemed like ninjas came from outta the potted plants in the restaurant, from under cars and off the roof. Hell, I even expected the sushi chefs to come after us. But they didn’t. As Mofo and I just pummeled those tiny assassins (hee hee “ass”), I heard one of the chefs yellin something about takin’ all this nonsense over to Nikko Express and mess up their restaurant instead. I have to admit tho, the thought of all us stopping and just piling into a truck and hauling over to Nikko only to resume the fight did make me chuckle. Mofo yelled at me and told me to keep “pummeling these pajama wearing, slanty-eyed nips into the ground”. His words, not mine.

When we left, I heard Mofo say something to one of the ninjas about Mr. Showbiz. I don’t know what it was but it did make Mofo chuckle to himself afterwards. (How come he gets to laugh and I don’t?)

It was a fun night out. But an hour later I was hungry again and strangely felt like beating up some more ninjas…

LC

Arts N Crafts Update

Last time I diaryed I mentioned that I was kinda bored. I also told you guys out there that I was feelin kinda arts n crafty.

I’ve been busy makin’ all kinds of stuff here in the ol’ HQ. Birdhouses, birdbaths, little horse ranches, piñatas, big & small jack o lanterns, macaroni sculptures, etc. You name, it I built it.

After the 3rd day though, I developed a “no popsicle stick” rule. I got tired of eatin them and getting splinters in my tongue. And I got tired of doin’ the “Technicolor yawn” after eating lots of popsicles. To my credit tho, I did make it to the bathroom or kitchen sink the majority of the time.

Now I just gotta find a way to clean up all this paste and other stuff . I supposed I could always just shove it up under Mofo’s chair or somethin’. He’d never notice it. And I gotta get rid of some of the stuff I made whiles I’m at it. Poaching Indigestion’s old room only holds so much. I guess I could always sell it on eBay. Lemme know if you guys want to buy some of my handiwork.

LC