Helpin' a brotha out

I think I have one of those secondary mutation thingies. Not only am I super-duper strong and nigh invulnerable oh! and super swaav, but I think I can help peoples get laid easy too. Well, that is if that’s what happens when I donate free beers.

I was out at the bars the other night when I gots a call about crime goin’ down. So I had to finish the big beer I had and haul bootay up the street. The problem was that I couldn’t leave the bar with my newly fresh poured big beer, I had to either drink it or give it away. I really had no time to chug it (and probably weave my way there instead of a strait line), so I spotted some hot little chick-a-dee (I’m bringin that back like “bogus”) and I was all like “Hey! I’m LC and I have to go do some thwarting and stuff. Here, have a free big beer!” and I took off. I know, I know. I could have just pummeled my way out one handed and kept my big beer, but the bouncers are friends of mine and that’s just bad business to be pissing off bars that I get free stuff from. So I had to be all law-abiding.

Any hoo, I gave the chick-a-dee the free beers and took off, and I’m willing to bet doughnuts to fruit roll-ups that she got good and drunk enough to hook up with some lucky schmuck. Way to go, buddy! You got lucky thanks to me!!

This is all spaculation at this junction though. But I’d like to think that I’m still helping even when I’m not there.

It’s nice to be a superhero sometimes.

LC

“Who wants to be a lame-ass?”

Seriously, did anybody else watch that new “superhero” show last night? That show was totally bogus. (I’m trying to bring “bogus” back)

None of those “heroes” had any kind of actual superpowers. But some of them did have pretty nifty costumes. Better then any of ours. But I guess the TV people made ‘em for them. Must be nice. I keep having to go to Sam’s and buy my clothes in bulk.

Likes I was saying, that show was bogus. All it was was that crazy comic book writer guy trying to cash in on the peoples’ love for us actual superheroes. Me and SK and PI watched that show and I had to keep Shit Kicker from breaking the tv when he kept gettin pissed at those fakers. Although he would’ve failed that first challenge they had too, because he said and I quote “Forget that kid! You get your ass to the finish line and crack open the first skull you see!” Mr. Comic book Guy would’ve been proud I’m sure.

Then there was Portable Instigator. He wouldn’t shut up about wanting a new costume like some of them on there. “How come they get neat-o costumes and they don’t even fight crime? I have the keen flame powers! I fight crime!” Oh for the love of Mike, shut up! You sound like a broken Barbie record, goin’ on about clothes and stuff. Get over it.

Me? I was fascinated with the chicks. That one in gold had big boobies that I kept waiting for to pop out when she ran around. SK said there was no shot since it was basic cable and not Skinamax. Then there was that Monkey girl. Now I’m kinda thrown off because of the “monkey” part, especially after our whole deal with the monkey-dogs. But still, she was kinda hot. She climbed trees good too. I wonder if you can do it in a tree…

But that Captain Winner guy or whatever his name was, he was great! I wish we had him on our team, super powers or no. He couldn’t be any worse than having Mofo running around. And let’s face it, the guy looks good in tights. He could be our spokesguy!

LC

Great place to visit, ok to live too

You know, for all the evil-doin’ villains that we have here in the ‘Boro, it’s really a great place to live.

Sure we have our usual reflux of new baddies popping up every now and then, but usually they get taken care of pretty quickly by the consistent superhero types. Not to say that we don’t got our share of fledgeling heroes, cause we do; it’s just that a lot of times they get cut down/torn up/blown up/crushed/etc before they even reach their stride. For every 5’oclock Bastard and P-Whip, we’ve got a Marius Maxwell and Hitman who actually fallow through with their plans to fucking-A kill someone. Basically, the younger heroes pick the wrong baddies and henchmen (like the Brick Twins) to screw with.

Like that guy Toddimus Prime. Oh jeez. That guy lasted like all of half a day on the job. I heard he stumbled upon one of Marius’ little plans and Marius had his guys beat the poor kid into a coma. Beat him into a coma, I said. Then instead of just leaving the poor schmo there in the street, he decided to test out one of his death devices on him because Toddimus fit the physical description of a certain local superhero. What I’m tryin to get at is he was about the same size as Mofo, and the poor kid ate it in some dry run of a death device. Not a fantabulous debut.

And then there’s the smell. You think with all of the “poop-themed” bad guys that Ponce de Leon Interdimensional keeps running into, that the place would just reek like the sewers or something. But it doesn’t. There’s really not a smelly place in town that I know of. Well, except the actual sewers. I think that PI is just a magnet for shitty villains. Get it? Shitty villains?!

But we’ve got lots of parks and bars and artsy stuff and a water park and a college and a mall and a theater and lots of other nice stuff that people seem to really like. Good place to raise a family I tell ya.

I mean sure, you’re just as likely to have nothing happen to you for your whole life in the ‘Boro as you are to get hit by a “repulsive blast” from Ugly Stick every week, but it’s still a great place to live. But remember that you’ve always got some bonerfide, genuine superheroes like LC, SK, and Mofo to save the day. Oh and PI too.

LC

Fire Water!

Got a hold of some moonshine from a guy I know that has relatives in the mountains. Man oh man, I can’t wait to try this stuff out this weekend! I bet this’ll be all kinds of fun...

LC

Good for the ‘vironment, bad for kicking ass.

They sure don’t make cars like they used to. They’re all made of plastic and aluminum and carbon fibered and whatnot. Not steel and, um, heavy stuff like… steel.

Nowadays when you pick up a car to smash a villain into the pavement or throw at yet another giant robot, they just kinda crumple up and fall apart. Don’t get me wrong, the whole airbag popping out after it hits ‘em is funny, but it’s just not effective any more.

Used to be a time when I could pick up a good, solid American car and the baddie would just about piss himself knowing that I was about to pound him with it like a square peg in a round hole. Now they just kinda stand there and chuckle as I smack ‘em with a Prius and it practically disintegrates as it hits.

Let’s not even mention how crappy the explosions are with those stupid hybrid-type cars. They won’t make a dent in armor or sever any robot limbs. So I steer clear of them. Heh heh. Get it? Cars? Steer clear?

Alls I know is, if I wanna get my hands on a bunch of good solid car weapons, I have to go downtown. I mean downtown downtown. The area Mofo calls “Dark Territory”. That’s mean tho, and pretty damned racist. I think it’s because he had a bad experience the only time he went down there. They actually chased him out after he said something about saving “You people” and the whole thing that happened after that.

He’s missing out, ‘cause they’re super-duper nice to me, and they have the best fried chicken and greens around down there. Plus, you can stop by Ray Ray’s store and get like 6 Schlitzes for like, 2 bucks. That’s way cheaper that up at those frat-tastic bars by the school.

Any-hoo, I got some work to do fixin’ up mine and SK’s “Rumpus Room” that we have now. Stil not exactly sure what a “Rumpus” is, but it sounds cool.

LC

Monkey + Dog =

Monkey-dog!

Swear to God, these are real. Me and Penicillin Injection ran into a pack of these suckers the other day. I didn't know what to do with 'em: beat 'em up, run away from 'em, or stop and pet 'em.

I was mesmerized by the whole poo-flinging bit though. Half of 'em would be flingin', the other would run and fetch the poo and bring it back to re-throw. Weird. And disgusting. Well, at first it was cool and funny, then really smelly and disgusting (it was like 105 outside). Then one of the monkey-dogs got a direct hit on PI and it became funny again.

Any-hoo, we got the idea to use trashcan lids as shields and PI threw flames to ignite the poo before they could throw it, which made them all freak out. They stopped flingin' and started jumpin around and barking/howling/something and then just took off in a gaggle of monkey-dogs.

We called it a day after that. Which was cool, 'cause it was only like 1:00pm, and we'd really only been on patrol for like an hour. But I wasn't gonna work with PI all day when he smelled like shit. Again.

LC

Ha ha! You guys are the West Coast Avengers now!

It seems that everybody’s movin’ on up, er out to be precise. Well, everybody but me and Shit Kicker.

Mofo and The Slut went and moved to another, more bigger city a couple hours away. In fact, that’s like the same city that Pretty Boy Slim and Da Deacon live in too. Mofo said something about bigger and better opportunities to fight crime and make a difference. I think it’s to get away from the credit card people who keep calling him. Or maybe he’s trying to get away from his “Rogues Galleria” that he claims he has. I’m sorry but a third of those “rogues” are Girl Scouts that he shafted out of their money when he bounced a check after buying lots of Thin Mints, Tag-alongs, those nasty coconut ones.

I don’t even know why The Slut left. I guess she just wanted to do some new guys.

So basically, that leaves me and SK here protecting The ‘Boro. The Reverend doesn’t count, ‘cause he’s never freakin here. He’s always off out of town doin God knows what. And it probably aint fightin crime. As for my little buddy (well, other little buddy), Plutonium Incontinence; he’s planning on moving out soon too. He said he wants to get away from all his ghosts and demons and start over fresh. I told him to just unpack, get some more medicine, and call Ghost Busters or something. He wouldn’t have any of it. Bastard. I liked him too.

So, um… just me and SK now. Hangin’ out. Chillin. Beating up bad guys, I mean, crackin skulls. Drinkin some beers. Him ditching me to go of and do stuff alone. The usual.

I guess this means that we’ll have to get another head quarters soon too. This one’ll be too big, not to mention too pricey. But I’m tired of hearing about SK’s freakin “S-cave” idea and shit. I don’t wanna live in a cave again. I may have to start lookin at finding my own place instead (minus the jelly bean pit this time).

So that’s about it for now. I’ve been helping everybody pack up and move out. And watching the whole team just fall apart. Again.

But, I guess SK and I’ll keep up the protectering in The ‘Boro, and hope for the occasional trip up to the big city and verse vica.

Uh oh. If you’ll excuse me, I hear some alarms goin off down the street. Somebody’s gotta stop whatever’s goin on out there. Might as well be me.

LC

Nah nah nah nah nah… Nah Nah Nah! Nah nah nah nah nah… NAH NAH NAAAAH!!

I used to like Superman. Well, I mean, I still do; but his new movie is kinda pissing me off.

Everywhere we go now, we get compared to Superman. And we all get asked if we have superpowers like him and if we’re aliens and if we have evil archnemeses/nemisis/nemeses/whatever.

Back when X-Men and Batman Begins came out we really didn’t have that kinda problem. Actually, people thought we were cool. Well, they thought most of us were cool. Others, not so much… Anyhoo, the public thought we were mutants or vigilante-type heroes, and they kinda appreciated us helping them out all the time.

This is the Superman who's MY inspiration.

Now, everyone thinks all heros need to be like Superman and whatnot. That we are being held to some kinda new standard, that our apparent licenses aren’t even good enuf for people now. Not to mention the name calling. Yes sometimes bullets can bounce off me and yes, sometimes I can chuck a tank to the other side of town; but words can hurt people. Especially the variations of “Superman”. Like, “Stuporman” and “Superdrunk”. But I guess it’s better than what some of the others have been getting: Mofo’s been tagged with “Superdouche”, Pontification Insomnia got “Superfag”, SK got a big one with “SuperfreakingripoffofBatman”, and the list goes on.

So, it’s just not fair when you’ve got one FAKE (as Mofo likes to point out) superhero that everyone else has to try and live up to. What if everyone else had to try and live up to somebody, huh? Like Gandhi or Moses…or Christopher Reeve? See what I mean? Not easy. So, take it easy on us. We’re doin the best we can to be the good guys here.

LC


Plus, I hear that new Superman is a flamer. Not the kinda flamer like Photohunt Integra is with his powers. Although, PI is really freaking obsessed with his old boy kid sidekick, Wundersomethin.